Today I need to write a love letter

That didn't take long :) Your body is so strong, why berate it and try to make it feel like a small wounded child? It has done nothing but hold you up this long life. Let your strength today remind you that nothing changes without effort. Idle mind and cheap distractions (or expensive ones) are not what you are made of. You belong among the wild flowers, dancing on the lips of the ocean, flying effortlessly above the trees, weighted down not by pain, suffering, or longing. You are the eye of the flame, the bird of the paradise, the soft tear of a child. I find you in a rolling laugh, a fierce poem, a beautiful lyric. I so love being you.

Winter Blues

They always hit... but this year it doesn't make sense because it is so beautiful out. I talked to a woman on Saturday who mentioned that she bunkers down for the winter and was so accepting of that... I guess I am hard on myself... but who am I kidding, I do it year round. So, I woke up on this past holiday weekend with a very sore throat and painful cough. I was getting into a Sons of Anarchy binge so it was the perfect recipe for hibernating and trying to get well, but I worry I am more than just a little depressed. It has been building. I have been trying to fight it off. There are so many things I have no control over and life hurts. Having no energy made working out this weekend a big no. But I am not being too hard on myself. I ate a lot of soup and cereal and drank lots of liquids. I hope to go to a yoga class tonight and get some miles in today. I walked around naked and didn't judge myself. :) I will get through this season... this life! Goals this week: Yoga Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Saturday, Sunday I have a wedding I am in on Saturday. It will be an exercise in self love to get ready for this wedding without judgement. I am in the wedding and it is the brides day to shine, I am just there to support her. It is always nice to take pride in appearance and try to look beautiful, but this season is hard... and when I tried on my dresses I was let down about how I looked in them. So I am going to take pictures on Saturday, pale but happy! Goal: No nervous drinking Friday or Saturday :) Goal: Walk five miles daily Goal: Post a photo with no filter :0) I need to embrace the real me

Getting Started

I avoid dieting. Mainly because I used to obsess about it and had a significant problem.That was 15 years ago... and I am sitting in my office feeling awful about myself and I can't lie... it has a lot to do with how I feel in my body. I could stand to lose 10-15 pounds. I would be very slim if I do.... and that worries me, because I don't want to feel my worth tied up in that number, or how I feel in my clothes, how much looseness I feel in my body. But I would like to participate...
I am active, and I tend to eat right. I drink too much beer on the weekends and sometimes in the evening and this definitely keeps me from losing weight. So that will be a big lifestyle change if I can conquer it.
So what are my goals... I am not sure what I weigh right now. I have been emotionally down lately and making poor food selections because I feel so lousy... Maybe that is kind of cheating, to gain a little weight right before this starts... but anyway, I will weigh myself tomorrow morning and see what I am dealing with. I have a few photos taken over the weekend, but I should probably have new ones anyway.
Well, I took the photos... using unforgiving pants...
My start weight is 147... my goals came to me immediately after weighing in.
I don't know how I managed a 147.0 weigh in, but I officially will lose 15 pounds... putting me at 132.
Why?
Because all through college my skinny weight was 127. I think 5 pounds more than that will be healthy and I hope maintainable. I will have to readjust if I start obsessing over it or something. But there is no possible way I can work out as much as I did back then and there is no possible way I am going to starve myself or anything else destructive to get there. We shall see. If I shoot for 132 and get to 137 and am a happy clam, I will believe I made my goal.
But here is to the truth...
I need to love myself every pound on the way. More so, I need to love myself when I evaluate myself looking down at my slouched belly and relaxed torso...  so...
Every time I have a negative evaluation of myself that has the potential to ruin my day, mood, or make me go sad for awhile I am going to write a love letter to myself here. I have sooooo many journals from 18-20 that are filled with such hate, such sadness, such pain. I actually can't read them and would like to burn them. But before I do, I would like to replace them with a journal (blog) at 35-36, maybe even to 40 filled with love. It is going to be a challenge.
Another mini goal is to begin some type of cardio...
Here is the skinny:
I walk 1-6 miles a day... usually around 3, which is broken down into three walks (breaks) during my work day.
I practice Hot Vinyasa Yoga 3-6 times per week... usually around 4... because I want to stay social too, and my body can't seem to handle a daily practice.... but actually, I tell myself that. I am so afraid of injury and then not being able to practice at all, exercise at all, and gaining weight. Why so? Because it has happened. I also have the tendency to overdo it. And ahimsa is all about doing no harm. But I need to push myself too.
At least 3 times  a month I want to exercise, hard core, outdoors... meaning a hike, a bikeride, a run... something outside of my routine (hence making it hard core, haha)
I will never be this girl again...

Because I DONT WANT TO BE.
Smiling on the outside, but tortured on the outside. And I know now, what my obsessive pain cost me, and I owe it to myself to love myself through the next decades.