Getting Started

I avoid dieting. Mainly because I used to obsess about it and had a significant problem.That was 15 years ago... and I am sitting in my office feeling awful about myself and I can't lie... it has a lot to do with how I feel in my body. I could stand to lose 10-15 pounds. I would be very slim if I do.... and that worries me, because I don't want to feel my worth tied up in that number, or how I feel in my clothes, how much looseness I feel in my body. But I would like to participate...
I am active, and I tend to eat right. I drink too much beer on the weekends and sometimes in the evening and this definitely keeps me from losing weight. So that will be a big lifestyle change if I can conquer it.
So what are my goals... I am not sure what I weigh right now. I have been emotionally down lately and making poor food selections because I feel so lousy... Maybe that is kind of cheating, to gain a little weight right before this starts... but anyway, I will weigh myself tomorrow morning and see what I am dealing with. I have a few photos taken over the weekend, but I should probably have new ones anyway.
Well, I took the photos... using unforgiving pants...
My start weight is 147... my goals came to me immediately after weighing in.
I don't know how I managed a 147.0 weigh in, but I officially will lose 15 pounds... putting me at 132.
Why?
Because all through college my skinny weight was 127. I think 5 pounds more than that will be healthy and I hope maintainable. I will have to readjust if I start obsessing over it or something. But there is no possible way I can work out as much as I did back then and there is no possible way I am going to starve myself or anything else destructive to get there. We shall see. If I shoot for 132 and get to 137 and am a happy clam, I will believe I made my goal.
But here is to the truth...
I need to love myself every pound on the way. More so, I need to love myself when I evaluate myself looking down at my slouched belly and relaxed torso...  so...
Every time I have a negative evaluation of myself that has the potential to ruin my day, mood, or make me go sad for awhile I am going to write a love letter to myself here. I have sooooo many journals from 18-20 that are filled with such hate, such sadness, such pain. I actually can't read them and would like to burn them. But before I do, I would like to replace them with a journal (blog) at 35-36, maybe even to 40 filled with love. It is going to be a challenge.
Another mini goal is to begin some type of cardio...
Here is the skinny:
I walk 1-6 miles a day... usually around 3, which is broken down into three walks (breaks) during my work day.
I practice Hot Vinyasa Yoga 3-6 times per week... usually around 4... because I want to stay social too, and my body can't seem to handle a daily practice.... but actually, I tell myself that. I am so afraid of injury and then not being able to practice at all, exercise at all, and gaining weight. Why so? Because it has happened. I also have the tendency to overdo it. And ahimsa is all about doing no harm. But I need to push myself too.
At least 3 times  a month I want to exercise, hard core, outdoors... meaning a hike, a bikeride, a run... something outside of my routine (hence making it hard core, haha)
I will never be this girl again...

Because I DONT WANT TO BE.
Smiling on the outside, but tortured on the outside. And I know now, what my obsessive pain cost me, and I owe it to myself to love myself through the next decades.