I was doing fantastic

and could feel it.... walking a ton, yoga, eating less processed foods (i don't fast food it, but definitely do too many canned soups, etc) and I was creeping down. The main thing is that I cut out etoh to one day a week. WEll, this last weekend my one day made me gain all the weight I had lost. IN ONE DAY I can't hardly believe it. I got back on track and weighed in a little lighter, but I am definitely not a contender.

Finally bought batteries

But I am in a different place than I was on Friday... when I had been fit and doing well. I kind of took a weird turn this weekend. Eating skittles and chocolate and even cheetos. My brain has been on overdrive the last couple of weeks. There have been parts that have been good, but I can't lie that the lows I have had have been intense. I didn't ask for this rollercoaster, or the rollercoaster of my life, and sometimes I get so tired. I feel like the battle with loving my body has been the only thing in my life that has never left me. That and my 13 year old cat at this point. i know this is TMI, but i just feel pissed. I am so angry that it is a constant struggle in mine and the lives of so many women.... hmmm I feel a love letter to myself needing to be written...

Battery died on my scale

Im not kidding... I have the dead ones in my wallet to replace them, but I have no idea what the numbers say. I have been staying active... immediately after beginning running again my knee started acting up (its not all in my head) but I rested it and have been continuing to walk and yoga it up. I have been continuing to make more fresh dinners and alcohol hasn't been a dominant ingredient of my weekends. My cycle started, so I had a huge dip in my spirits. my walking buddy at work went to Norway, and my other walking buddy has been wanting to go at 7:30 in the morning (right when we get to work) and I can't justify that... I think that type of behavior is frowned upon and work has already been tough enough. I am excited to see what the scale finally says, but it will probably be more even... just got to keep plugging.

Some additional thoughts...

I was going to ask what you are craving? And does it really satisfy you? I have to echo annie with the myfitnesspal. I am not using it right now, but I guess it is two years ago when I took that serious step, I started using it. It really helped me to have a veggie packed salad with a tomato basil dressing at lunch. Where do you live? I am lucky that there is a STeve's pizza in Woodland, so when I started, and now when I need to get back on track, I head there for lunch. It used to be 3.23 for a togo salad and I would pack on so many veggies. The TB dressing has 20-30 calories and is tasty. I know that a salad of this caliber would cost 15 buckeroonies if it were weighed at a 7.99 a pound place. But actually it probably wouldn't because I am not choosing the heavier toppings, but I digress. I too drink the Visalus in the morning. I find it is more affordable and healthier than picking up a bagel, or a scone, which is what i always did with my morning routine. I was a creature of habit... I would get a coffee and a rice crispy treat every morning. Ugh, can't even think about it now. But if I have a shake (I don't get fancy with it, I just mix it with apple/grape 100% juice blend) and I think it starts my day off good. Maybe I am kidding myself and it is just another habitual food option, but I it works for me. I buy them on Amazon, because I couldn't handle the shipping costs through Visalus. If you don't mind, I have shared so much that I am going to copy and paste this to a blog myself, so everyone can read it. Haha, I thought it this was a longer post. I must have been thinking a mile a minute

Today I say thank you

So, I have to say, that having you all as a support has really helped me. I shifted gears and have been more active. Actually, a lot more active. I am resting today because my knee is bothering me, but I am not going to give into the fear of injury. I am eating less processed foods right now (thank you Annie and your awesome trader joes run). and a big THANK YOU to Gaby and Annie for our amazing hike in Saturday. I felt alive!!!! We did such an amazing job. And I have run... let me count... one, two, three times, been going to both vinyasa and vin yoga and walking on my breaks. I can't weigh myself because the battery on my scale went out, but I can feel it. Literally. When I run my hands up my side (especially laying down, haha) I can feel it. We are all so strong. A big THANK YOU!!!

Well, I don't really know what to say. I am heavier than I have been in months and I am not basically not trying at all with this competition. It is definitely going to be hard to catch up. I am glad to read and support others, but I need to get in the game. It just isn't fair sometimes that I have to exercise sooooo much just to keep from gaining on a regular basis. The idea of eating even less and working out even more is, ugh! I am fearful of injury so I don't want to run or do something high impact, but I think I am going to have to.

Cant stop the tears

Some days just hurt. Some days being strong just doesn't feel like an option. Working for people, giving everything i have inside to touch them and ease their suffering is a beautiful job..... but hurts so darn hard sometimes. But I know when I feel like I am crumbling, there is usually a hand lifting me up to remind me that i can make it through this. Yoga saves my life every day. I just haven't been going this week. Why is it we turn from the very thing we need the most when times get tough. Like God, or religion, or friends. I am not sure how Mondays weigh in will go down. I am going to be as active as I can because I can't stop crying right now. They aren't all sad tears... some are just tears that reflect our world. I feel it deep.

Not having muich success with the weight loss

Like my title suggests, I haven't been having much success with the weight loss. I still feel like a winner though, because I haven't been as hard on myself as I usually am, when I set my intention for self love. I am not trying to be easy on myself, it is just a bit of a different experience. I am going to try to make some things happen this week, with healthy eating. I ate junk on Sunday and I haven't been going to classes. I ate like a darn starved person on a girls night and super indulged, but it was tasty. I think it set me on a little tailspin the following day though. I was tired, a little lonely, and avoiding the rain. So, back to healthy eating, walking, and yoga on Wed, Thursday, Friday, hopefully. I have NO idea what Monday will bring. I haven't been in competitive spirit and maybe that is what I need to get out of this slump. I think it is hard not dating, not feeling attractive, whatever, to do this for myself. But I am worth it.

Afraid to weigh

As mentioned above, I am afraid to get on the scale. I am just not feeling like writing myself a love letter, haha. I have noticed a negative reaction to committing to a weight challenge... i am moving less and eating more. I don't know why i do this to myself... its like if i trick myself, I am successful. But conscious effort is scary, assertive, and real. Last week I craved hearty lunches and I satisfied my cravings. That wouldn't be much of an issue, but my activity level was down. I probably only walked a mile or so a day and I had a yoga class or two where my energy level was so low, i just lugged my way through it. Yesterdays class was maybe the worst i have had since I restarted yoga. Yoga is teaching me something... when i am conscious of what I am eating and eating very little (not restricting, just what would be normal portions) I have a lightness in my body and can float. That feeling is amazing. I tend to be soooo cheap and soooo quick about my meal choices that it is at the cost of heavier foods... very appropriate portions, but just over-processed foods. I am going to watch the video annie posted to really wrap my head around what I am doing to my body when i am so lazy or uncentered about what i put in it. Today I loaded a salad at Steve's pizza... the best of both worlds.... TONS OF VEGGIES and 3.78$ yippee!!!!

Today I need to write a love letter

That didn't take long :) Your body is so strong, why berate it and try to make it feel like a small wounded child? It has done nothing but hold you up this long life. Let your strength today remind you that nothing changes without effort. Idle mind and cheap distractions (or expensive ones) are not what you are made of. You belong among the wild flowers, dancing on the lips of the ocean, flying effortlessly above the trees, weighted down not by pain, suffering, or longing. You are the eye of the flame, the bird of the paradise, the soft tear of a child. I find you in a rolling laugh, a fierce poem, a beautiful lyric. I so love being you.

Winter Blues

They always hit... but this year it doesn't make sense because it is so beautiful out. I talked to a woman on Saturday who mentioned that she bunkers down for the winter and was so accepting of that... I guess I am hard on myself... but who am I kidding, I do it year round. So, I woke up on this past holiday weekend with a very sore throat and painful cough. I was getting into a Sons of Anarchy binge so it was the perfect recipe for hibernating and trying to get well, but I worry I am more than just a little depressed. It has been building. I have been trying to fight it off. There are so many things I have no control over and life hurts. Having no energy made working out this weekend a big no. But I am not being too hard on myself. I ate a lot of soup and cereal and drank lots of liquids. I hope to go to a yoga class tonight and get some miles in today. I walked around naked and didn't judge myself. :) I will get through this season... this life! Goals this week: Yoga Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Saturday, Sunday I have a wedding I am in on Saturday. It will be an exercise in self love to get ready for this wedding without judgement. I am in the wedding and it is the brides day to shine, I am just there to support her. It is always nice to take pride in appearance and try to look beautiful, but this season is hard... and when I tried on my dresses I was let down about how I looked in them. So I am going to take pictures on Saturday, pale but happy! Goal: No nervous drinking Friday or Saturday :) Goal: Walk five miles daily Goal: Post a photo with no filter :0) I need to embrace the real me

Getting Started

I avoid dieting. Mainly because I used to obsess about it and had a significant problem.That was 15 years ago... and I am sitting in my office feeling awful about myself and I can't lie... it has a lot to do with how I feel in my body. I could stand to lose 10-15 pounds. I would be very slim if I do.... and that worries me, because I don't want to feel my worth tied up in that number, or how I feel in my clothes, how much looseness I feel in my body. But I would like to participate...
I am active, and I tend to eat right. I drink too much beer on the weekends and sometimes in the evening and this definitely keeps me from losing weight. So that will be a big lifestyle change if I can conquer it.
So what are my goals... I am not sure what I weigh right now. I have been emotionally down lately and making poor food selections because I feel so lousy... Maybe that is kind of cheating, to gain a little weight right before this starts... but anyway, I will weigh myself tomorrow morning and see what I am dealing with. I have a few photos taken over the weekend, but I should probably have new ones anyway.
Well, I took the photos... using unforgiving pants...
My start weight is 147... my goals came to me immediately after weighing in.
I don't know how I managed a 147.0 weigh in, but I officially will lose 15 pounds... putting me at 132.
Why?
Because all through college my skinny weight was 127. I think 5 pounds more than that will be healthy and I hope maintainable. I will have to readjust if I start obsessing over it or something. But there is no possible way I can work out as much as I did back then and there is no possible way I am going to starve myself or anything else destructive to get there. We shall see. If I shoot for 132 and get to 137 and am a happy clam, I will believe I made my goal.
But here is to the truth...
I need to love myself every pound on the way. More so, I need to love myself when I evaluate myself looking down at my slouched belly and relaxed torso...  so...
Every time I have a negative evaluation of myself that has the potential to ruin my day, mood, or make me go sad for awhile I am going to write a love letter to myself here. I have sooooo many journals from 18-20 that are filled with such hate, such sadness, such pain. I actually can't read them and would like to burn them. But before I do, I would like to replace them with a journal (blog) at 35-36, maybe even to 40 filled with love. It is going to be a challenge.
Another mini goal is to begin some type of cardio...
Here is the skinny:
I walk 1-6 miles a day... usually around 3, which is broken down into three walks (breaks) during my work day.
I practice Hot Vinyasa Yoga 3-6 times per week... usually around 4... because I want to stay social too, and my body can't seem to handle a daily practice.... but actually, I tell myself that. I am so afraid of injury and then not being able to practice at all, exercise at all, and gaining weight. Why so? Because it has happened. I also have the tendency to overdo it. And ahimsa is all about doing no harm. But I need to push myself too.
At least 3 times  a month I want to exercise, hard core, outdoors... meaning a hike, a bikeride, a run... something outside of my routine (hence making it hard core, haha)
I will never be this girl again...

Because I DONT WANT TO BE.
Smiling on the outside, but tortured on the outside. And I know now, what my obsessive pain cost me, and I owe it to myself to love myself through the next decades.